"I think I was merely in survival mode for the first year."
Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of being a father.
But the actual experience rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.
Life-threatening health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her chief support as well as looking after their newborn son Leo.
"I was doing all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.
After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.
The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You need assistance. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.
His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers face.
Asking for help is not weak to request support'
Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a wider inability to open up between men, who still hold onto negative perceptions of manhood.
Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."
"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.
Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.
They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental health is vitally important to the family.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a pause - taking a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.
He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.
When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.
Self-parenting
That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.
He's now writing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.
Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the language of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.
The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.
When he was young Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.
Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad actions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.
"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."
Advice for Getting By as a New Dad
- Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
- Keep up your interests - continue with the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
- Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
- Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
- Know that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.
When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for years.
As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional support he did not receive.
When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations safely.
Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.
"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.
"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I think my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."
